0 Relationships And Anxietyi Need Help

I recently graduated college, got a competitive job, and am currently in training. I've had the same boyfriend for 5 years. My best friend recently broke up with her serious boyfriend. I have generalized anxiety disorder. For the past few months I've been out of control with my anxiety. I think this happens when big changes come my way. I also get little fits when things seem to be really...decided. For example, i'm likely in the career that i'll have for the rest of my life and that triggers some anxiety because it's so settled and finalized and I start to "what-if" myself into a panic attack. What if i'm not good at it? What if I don't like it? And so it goes. For the past few months leading up to graduation I started to have anxiety when I considered my relationship with my boyfriend. My best friend also has anxiety and expressed similar issues. I wonder often about how i'd know if he was "the one" even though i'm not confident I believe in the idea of "the one" or soul mates. He and I are great together and up until these past few months i've really never questioned it. My rational mind says that it's the bundle of life changes i've been experiencing manifesting in the form of doubts about my relationship. HOwever, the panic is real. I've woken up a few times thinking "what if this isnt right and i'm committing myself to a relationship that I should be moving on from?" People say "you just know" or if you're having doubts then that's a sign in it of itself. The problem is I've never really been able to trust in my feelings because the nature of my disorder is that I have anxiety for no reason or often for the wrong reasons. I can't use my feelings as facts like most people can. I want things to work with my boyfriend, yet I obsessively google "what if I lost the spark". I also think part of this is because i'm in a really, really competitve program. It makes me insecure about my place and when other members of the program have these elaborate lives and interesting journeys, I feel a little inadequate or quaint with my little life. I know I need to take ownership of who I am and stop worrying about what i "SHOULD" do and focus on what I WANT, but i'm living in fear of regret. What if I don't break up with him, and then later wish I'd dated more when I was young? What if I do break up with him and it's a huge mistake? What if my anxiety is a sign that I've fallen out of love? What if I have fallen out of love but I can fix it? What if I shouldn't fix it? What if this is all just my anxiety and there's nothing to be fixed? Also, I consider the fact that my best friend and her long-term BF just broke up. She ended it because she had only ever been serious with him and she knew she wanted more experience in life before settling down. What if I should follow that lead? What if I've found the perfect partner for me and I'm comparing my life to others so much that it's causing me to doubt something I should be cherishing? My boyfriend is supportive and great. Perhaps a little less motivated than I am and a little less stable in his life, but he's also a year younger and i'm unnaturally determined. I know my career and he's still figuring out what he wants from life. It concerns me occasionally, because I want us to be on the same pace, but it's also not significant yet because I have a 2 year contract in a state I don't plan to settle down in. We have time to get our independent lives together before moving forward. WHICH IS ANOTHER THING...we've been together for years and there hasn't been a "new stage" so I'm wondering if the lack of progression causes me to get antsy. I can't say that I even want to be engaged, but perhaps the continuation of dating seems a little deflated because it's "the same old thing" that we've been doing. When I type this all out my anxiety eases, but I still feel like I haven't made a decision. We're spending the next year in a long distance relationship, which should give me the perfect balance of independence and commitment. Yet I still feel like I'm in limbo. I feel like something needs to happen but I have no idea what that is. I love him. He's my partner. He grounds me. When I'm with him I am myself and not a version of who I am. I can be totally honest with him and share my insecurities and he's always supportive. He encourages me to consider other perspectives. He's great. Is he the one? I'm young. I've only ever been serious twice, including him. Sometimes I get nervous and it results in a decreased sex drive. Sometimes I panic around him. Sometimes I worry. I don't know what to do or what I need... I wish I could make a decision and be confident in it. I find myself being vauge when new coworkers inquire about my personal life with him. Am I ashamed? Am I not proud of this stable, healthy relationship I'm in? Or am I just a private person? Am I concerned about where I am in comparison to others? Oh the joys of #anxiety.... When I finally move to the new state, I'm going to seek semi-regular therapy so I can find ways to work myself out of these cyclical thoughts. Until then, I'll rely on my precious readers...

Reference: gamma-male.blogspot.com