1. when the vet called to tell me ret was out of surgery, she said, "and don't worry; we gave her a puppy pedicure." which struck me as an odd parting gift for my dog whose uterus she just removed. like if, say, your boyfriend cheated on you with multiple ladies of the night and then followed up with, "but i'll get you a gift certificate to bath and body works. or a subscription to maxim. or a set of wine glass ornaments. lady's choice."
2. how is it that my sister, mother, and/or father regularly begin phone chats by saying, "well i met (insert woman in human resources, a mother at baseball practice, the man who de-mosquitoes the yard) and it" just came up" in conversation that you're thirty-one, single, and living in greenville." they tend to follow this up with, "and "they "just so happen to know a nice, single, jewish man who is gainfully employed." but you know they're stressed about referred-to singledom when sissy says, "well, he's a republican, loves to hunt, and is in between jobs." (pause) "okay, fine, now that i "say it out loud "it may not be such a good idea."
3. the following is an excerpt from an email sent by my student who is also on yearbook staff:
"do you mind if i try to take pictures again today and tomorrow? i promise i'll still participate and pay attention in class. it's just that while i did get a couple of good pictures last time, they're all very...similar looking. what i'm trying to say is, i don't have any pictures of us smiling or looking like we're having fun. all of the pictures i have now either have us looking very, very serious or like we are sad. no joking, there is a picture where iain looks like he is about to start crying. "
and i think we all know from that email that this single, thirty-one year-old woman living in greenville will not, as it turns out, be getting the teacher of the year award.
4. lady patron i waited on tonight whispers as she's leaving, "keep teaching high school. don't let it get you down that you have to stomach this job also." thanks lady. i didn't know the waitressing gig was equivalent to eight soul lashings.
5. last night i met with my friend ash to discuss a possible abecedarian framed memoir centered around...what exactly? retta? being poor? other things that don't matter to the rest of the world? anyway, she was as always very helpful. while she whipped up sweet potato pancakes with sour cream "like it was nothing, "her eight year-old son, hudson, explained to me the importance of his skylander action figures. when it seemed i wasn't entirely getting it, he ushered me into his room and made me lift him up by his camo pj's to his skylander chart. "mamie, here are the categories: earth, fire, air, magic, undead, tech, and life. repeat them after me." i tried, pointing to each symbol, but after air i was lost. "why don't you get it? it's so easy," he fumed. then he whispered to himself, "it's only like the easiest thing in the world. why can't she get it? "
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