0 Back To The Questions 7

Here's another one (and a good one) by LICKETYSPLIT. She asks:

"Is there anything you can remember helping you specifically with being able to accept your body? Although I'm in a much better place than I have been in past years, it seems like every time I get momentum to finally kick this thing to the curb, my body image gets in the way and takes me back to ED.

"

I know this is going to sound strange, but I think Women's Studies helped me be able to accept my body in a big way. I was an English major in college, but I also ended up leaving with a degree in Women's Studies as well as English. I dabbled at first, taking a Women's Studies class here and there, ended up making it my minor, and then took the plunge and added a second major to my workload. I liked it that much... and what's more, it made me feel good about myself.

Let me explain: While I sat in a lot of my Women's Studies classes, I began to GROW a deep appreciation for my female body. I was super proud to be a woman, and I realized that a body came with that. I also was able to delve into a lot of eating disorder issues via books, films, discussions, and courses, so I could explore my own feelings, experiences, and better help myself and others. Being a Women's Studies major helped me to like myself.

I don't by any means think that the answer to accepting your body is Women's Studies. (Haha.) It just happened to be a big part of the equation for me. I found my voice in those classes. I found some of the spirit I felt I had lost. I became less shy, less self-hating, and I discovered things about myself I didn't even know. Plus, the feeling of...sisterhood, for lack of a better word... made me feel comforted and at ease. I liked feeling like a part of something and that something happened to be womanhood... a piece of the human race... which allowed me to express myself, accept myself and my body, and understand that all women are incredibly different and beautiful.

A lot of accepting my body was the "fake it 'til you make it" rule of thumb. I just pretended really hard to be okay with myself and like myself, and the rest began to follow.

I took a lot of photos of myself. A lot. Not for bones and thinness and other things. But for beauty. I took pictures of myself and looked for beauty in them. I ended up liking a lot of photos I took of myself. I learned to smile at myself. Used my artistic eye to see loveliness. Told myself it was okay to have thoughts like, "Wow, I look really pretty here." It didn't mean I was conceited. It meant I was learning to like my own appearance, even as the weight went on. I used to just sit with myself, inside or outside, hair up or hair down, and snap photos of my own face and body with my digital camera. I saved them on my computer in a folder and instead of picking them apart, I admired them. It gave me a really good feeling to know that I was ADMIRING myself. Finally finding beauty in my appearance. (I don't mind sharing these nutty things, as they obviously did a world of good. Haha.)

I also tried to make things a celebration instead of a meltdown, even if I had to force myself. It usually ended up transforming anyway. Prime example: When I was doing really well in recovery and I had to buy new clothes because my old ones were too small, I didn't let it freak me out. As you know, it's not a very good feeling to pull on pants and have them not fit. Especially if it's not just one pair, but many pairs. It had the potential to make me panic. I had to buy a bunch of new clothes. Bigger sizes. And when I came home, I could feel the panic rising...so I called my best friend and turned what could have been a meltdown into a celebration. "I had to buy new clothes!" I yelled into the phone, "happily". "A lot of my stuff was too small. I bought BIGGER sizes! I can't believe it! It's so amazing that I'm not wearing a size X anymore!" I "was" proud of myself, but I was antsy and uneasy. So I simply tried to portray the happiness I knew I should wholly be feeling. I knew I should be congratulating myself.

She was so happy to hear what I told her, and so proud of me. And obviously glad that I was at a healthier weight that I wasn't fitting into my old clothes. So she celebrated with me. She congratulated me. We made it a good and a happy thing. I got off the phone feeling good, feeling proud of what I had done: stuck with recovery long enough to gain weight and keep it on... then not fit in my clothes, then buy NEW, BIGGER ones, then NOT freak out. It was huge.

Body image may get in the way for a while, but you don't have to let it cause you to restrict or (insert other behavior) and head back down an unhealthy road. Work with it! "If you don't give in to it, it will pass." It will come in spurts for a while, here and there, but eventually, it will pass. You have the power to turn things around. Don't let fear stop you.

Origin: loveknowsnoage.blogspot.com

0 Fight More Listen Less Advice From A Real Communication Expert

The internet is full of advice to help you communicate better. Fight less. Listen more. Take it seriously, but have a sense of humor.

Surprisingly, this is not always good advice, and it is not advice that is good for everyone. In my 15 years of teaching people how to work through difficult conversations, I've learned that some communication myths are dangerously off-base.

* Myth #1: Fight less.

Truth: Fewer arguments doesn't mean a better relationship. In fact, you may need to fight more or you risk your relationship dying a slow death.

Researcher John Gottman of the University of Seattle ("Why Marriages Succeed or Fail") has been studying marriage for more than 25 years, watching couples interact, and tracking divorce rates. He has found that there is a "magic ratio" of positive to negative interactions. The ratio hovers right around 5 to 1: Five positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction.

Now part of this ratio is common sense. If your ratio is 2 to 1 or 3 to 1, you just don't have enough that is positive in the relationship to counter the frustrations. But let's say your ratio is 10 to 1, or even 100 to 1. Isn't that ideal? You fight so rarely that you can hardly remember the last time?

No. In fact, couples who fight so little are actually significantly less happy in the relationship three years later, than couples who are closer to 5 to 1. Why? Most likely, you are avoiding the inevitable disagreements and disgruntlement that comes with a daily relationship. If you don't put that on the table, it's going to fester and disintegrate the relationship from within.

* Myth #2: Listen more.

Truth: Listening can be a way to avoid sticking up for yourself.

It is true that, particularly when we're frustrated or hurt, our ability to listen and appreciate someone else's perspective goes right out the window. At least this is true for some of us.

But if you are conflict-adverse, listening may be your way of avoiding a confrontation. Faced with a fight, you empathize and nod understandingly, and later negotiate with yourself to accept their point of view.

What you fail to do is speak up for your own perspective, needs and feelings. Unless you stick up for your interests, you actually end up absent from the relationship. This is actually not a good thing for partner - he or she is essentially in a relationship alone, which is boring at best. Finally, do I need to mention that it's not a good long-term situation for you?

* Myth #3: Take it seriously.

Truth: Taking yourself, and your relationship, a bit less seriously can help you escape an escalating conflict.

You know the pattern. Your partner makes a sarcastic comment. Hurt, you fire back. He or she then blames you for starting an argument, and you're off to the races. You know this is going to run the full course and you'll each end up licking your wounds in separate rooms, still fuming.

John Gottman, the marriage researcher, says that happy couples have an escape route in the midst of the escalation. As things heat up, couples who have stable relationships are able to short-circuit the argument, often through humor. One of them will stick out their tongue. Or they might crack a joke.

The impact is to break the flow of the argument, allowing both of you to step out and regain your perspective. You accept that you're probably both overreacting, you've both made mistakes, and both would rather solve the problem and move on than spend the evening fuming.

Now that's the truth.

Sheila Heen is a communication expert. She has been featured on Oprah, been on CNBC's Power Lunch, is the co-author of best selling "Difficult Conversations" and is a Harvard Law School lecturer. Today is National Have The Talk Day. To learn more about effective communication, visit www.HaveTheTalkAmerica.com where Sheila is a primary contributor.Do you have a bucket list? Here are 101 things to do before you die. Includes a tutorial on how you can create your bucket list too!