0 Advice On My Return Of Depression Please

Problem with depressionHi I just wanted some advice as to what to do with my current situation with depression. So I am currently a freshman in college. When I was a junior in high school, I became severely depressed. I was suicidal and had horrible feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and emotional pain. I would cry almost every day and when I wasn't crying I was thinking about how much I wanted to die. It was a low point for me. This was mainly due to my horrible anxiety which I've learned to manage through therapy. I tried several Anti depressants and those didn't work well but therapy really helped me. Anyways by mid senior year, after countless therapy sessions (once or twice a week) I finally felt the amazing feeling of happiness. I had wonderful self esteem and really understood how to manage my anxiety as well as adapted healthier ways of thinking. Everything was great until I went to college. Since I've gone to school, my self esteem has plummeted and I believe I'm becoming depressed again. I go to an awesome very respected big 10 school that most people love, but I don't get the same satisfaction. Being there only makes me feel worse. I'm often very lonely and for some reason I feel so unconfident I don't even make eye contact with people, because I'm embarrassed of my face. I've never felt this way before. I feel like I've completely lost who I am as a person. It makes me so sad, because I've always had high self respect and expectations for myself. If you personally knew me you'd think I was confident as I'm very social and always put effort in looking good when the time calls for it. People also say I'm pretty. However, I spend hours obsessing over everything I hate about my face. I don't see it the same way as others say they do. The weird part is that I used to have great self esteem. Even when I was depressed, I never really focused on how ugly I was or my imperfections. So this is new for me. Another thing is that I have no reason to be depressed other than my anxiety. I have everything many people dream of. A supportive family, great friends, I'm well off financially, and I get the opportunity to go to many parties and fun events. However, I've found that doing all these things or spending time w those who make me happy no longer brings me any satisfaction. It's as if I've completely lost the ability to feel passion or happiness for amazing things that would make any other person happy. What I'm really confused about is that this is not the same type of depression as junior year. This is just a long going daily sadness that I've accepted is my life. So you know, I'm also pre med and in an amazing school that I don't want to leave bc it guarantees me a job almost anywhere. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate feeling like this and I've found that I cant meet with my therapist much anymore because school is so far from him. I've tried other therapists and don't find then as effective as my original one. I should also mention that my parents aren't very welcoming of the idea of me being depressed. They believe I have no reason to be so I can't really talk to them about it. Any advice or experiences are much appreciated. Thank you! Gina

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