Surprisingly, this is not always good advice, and it is not advice that is good for everyone. In my 15 years of teaching people how to work through difficult conversations, I've learned that some communication myths are dangerously off-base.
* Myth #1: Fight less.
Truth: Fewer arguments doesn't mean a better relationship. In fact, you may need to fight more or you risk your relationship dying a slow death.
Researcher John Gottman of the University of Seattle ("Why Marriages Succeed or Fail") has been studying marriage for more than 25 years, watching couples interact, and tracking divorce rates. He has found that there is a "magic ratio" of positive to negative interactions. The ratio hovers right around 5 to 1: Five positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction.
Now part of this ratio is common sense. If your ratio is 2 to 1 or 3 to 1, you just don't have enough that is positive in the relationship to counter the frustrations. But let's say your ratio is 10 to 1, or even 100 to 1. Isn't that ideal? You fight so rarely that you can hardly remember the last time?
No. In fact, couples who fight so little are actually significantly less happy in the relationship three years later, than couples who are closer to 5 to 1. Why? Most likely, you are avoiding the inevitable disagreements and disgruntlement that comes with a daily relationship. If you don't put that on the table, it's going to fester and disintegrate the relationship from within.
* Myth #2: Listen more.
Truth: Listening can be a way to avoid sticking up for yourself.
It is true that, particularly when we're frustrated or hurt, our ability to listen and appreciate someone else's perspective goes right out the window. At least this is true for some of us.
But if you are conflict-adverse, listening may be your way of avoiding a confrontation. Faced with a fight, you empathize and nod understandingly, and later negotiate with yourself to accept their point of view.
What you fail to do is speak up for your own perspective, needs and feelings. Unless you stick up for your interests, you actually end up absent from the relationship. This is actually not a good thing for partner - he or she is essentially in a relationship alone, which is boring at best. Finally, do I need to mention that it's not a good long-term situation for you?
* Myth #3: Take it seriously.
Truth: Taking yourself, and your relationship, a bit less seriously can help you escape an escalating conflict.
You know the pattern. Your partner makes a sarcastic comment. Hurt, you fire back. He or she then blames you for starting an argument, and you're off to the races. You know this is going to run the full course and you'll each end up licking your wounds in separate rooms, still fuming.
John Gottman, the marriage researcher, says that happy couples have an escape route in the midst of the escalation. As things heat up, couples who have stable relationships are able to short-circuit the argument, often through humor. One of them will stick out their tongue. Or they might crack a joke.
The impact is to break the flow of the argument, allowing both of you to step out and regain your perspective. You accept that you're probably both overreacting, you've both made mistakes, and both would rather solve the problem and move on than spend the evening fuming.
Now that's the truth.
Sheila Heen is a communication expert. She has been featured on Oprah, been on CNBC's Power Lunch, is the co-author of best selling "Difficult Conversations" and is a Harvard Law School lecturer. Today is National Have The Talk Day. To learn more about effective communication, visit www.HaveTheTalkAmerica.com where Sheila is a primary contributor.Do you have a bucket list? Here are 101 things to do before you die. Includes a tutorial on how you can create your bucket list too!
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